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Sunday, December 23, 2012

Slimpossible Season 254

Royale Media Services - CityZen Television
Slimpossible Entertainment & Weight Loss Program
P.O. Box 000254-00100

Dear Applicant,

We wish to regretfully inform you that we have turned down your application for Slimpossible Season 254. Unfortunately, you have not met our requirements regarding the history of weight gain. Please refer to our explanation below.

According to your application, you informed us that you have lived in the diaspora for ten years, only returning to Kenya for intermittent visits. In the period you were away, you gained 50 kg from MacDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken, mac n’ cheese, pizza, and micro-waved vegetables. During this period, you also opted to substitute fresh juice and traditional sour milk, mursik, with fizzy Diet Coke and other carbonated drinks. You often topped this off with a barrage of Tortilla chips and chocolate, junk food you used as snacks instead of nuts or a bottle of water. As a result of this lifestyle, you have dramatically put on weight in a manner that does not conform to the average standards for African women.

Our contestants are women between the ages of 25 to 50 who have gained weight through acceptable Kenyan lifestyles. Our average woman has given birth to at least one child. As you know, many women increase in body weight following this natural process. We also recognize plus size women, whose figures are genetically predetermined, but who only need to learn alternative eating habits to achieve healthy and fulfilling lives. Finally, our contestants have become overweight through eating ugali, nyama choma and perhaps indulging in a bit of Tusker. Only pots obtained through such methods are eligible for our award winning weight loss program.

We encourage you to go online and search for appropriate weight loss programs suitable for your fast paced American lifestyle. Alternatively, you can move back to Kenya and adhere to a strict Kenyan weight gain program. If you choose to do so, we may reconsider your application in a year’s time.


Lalian Mully

1 comment:

  1. Ha ha a great piece full of satire. Reminds me of how i recently gained six pounds in four weeks, thanks to America.