Thanks for visiting my blog. This blog chronicles a mostly 4-year journey of love, life, and loss. It's now time to retire. However, feel free to browse and read through the posts.
My current work/projects can be accessed at www.miriamjerotich.com
Showing posts with label Narrative. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Narrative. Show all posts

Sunday, August 24, 2014

He calls me Jero

He starts calling me “Jero” right from the start
I tell him my name is Miriam Jerotich and I emphasize the “J” the way I like to 
so that no one misspells it. But he still pronounces it the right way:
The “J” melts into a “Ch” and I become “Cherotich” and then “Jero”.
And when he calls me Jero it sounds almost like the way Tai used to call me,
“Chero”
When he asks where I’m from the anger doesn’t burn in me like it did at 
Malindi Airport when the security guard asked me where I come from, the way 
Kenyans ask you where you come from so that they fit you onto their 
ethnic map
It doesn’t hurt when I tell him where shags is
It doesn’t hurt when I let him call me Jero.

Sometimes,
it’s okay to break the rules.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

The Stories I Tell about Myself

We lunge back to those memories one day and begin to trace connections about our lives. We see the recurring themes and tropes, the narratives we tell ourselves about ourselves, the stories we tell others about ourselves. They become such an inherent part of us that the stories become a life unto themselves, till we can’t recognize the stories we tell about ourselves. We don’t realize until we have told it enough times and it hits us that we are saying the same thing over and over again, feeling the same emotions, pursuing different dreams with the same motives, that the doorways keep opening through the stories we cannot stop telling about ourselves. And our lives becomes projects that stretch across decades, processes of investigating more about the stories we tell about ourselves, the facts, the evidence, the theories. We seek to understand the stories so that we can understand ourselves, comprehend your humanity. Our purpose for living.


I have two stories that I tell about myself. The first is the story of my mother, the second the story of Kenya's 2007/2008 post-election violence. When I look back at my college career, how it began and ended, I see how the stories I tell about myself carried me through. In these stories my life became encapsulated in a way that I do not yet fully comprehend, that I only slowly discover as each year folds away.

When I tell of my mother I tell of the courage that she has taught me. You must remember that I grew up with my mother, so I took it for granted that women could do anything. I say that she taught us English by reading the Bible with us every morning. I tell of how I cried when she travelled to Kisumu - I was just a few months old and longed for the warmth of her bosom. I tell of how I am like her, because I can out-speak everyone but she’s the only one who can out-speak me. Mostly though, I say of how she ran away from being circumcised, how she gave up the traditions and mysteries and belonging that would come out of that because she yearned for something more, a future that she could not yet see, a dream beyond the valley she was born into.

When I speak of the post-election violence, I tell of the fracture of ethnic identities. The shapes of the violence feel like blocks in my head, a myriad colors that I do not fully understand, why I would hurt so much from something I never directly experienced, why I feel it to the core of my soul, why identity matters so much and I begin to notice the little ways that we set up boundaries between us and them, between me and you. It becomes a question that keeps me up at night, and when I write research papers in college, I draw from the shapes and colors and begin to explore the webs of meaning, the clouded confusion. I want to make it all black and white, to say, “This is the way you should live,” and yet the more I search the less I find. It becomes like water slipping through my hands.

We tell stories about ourselves because we are searching for meaning in our lives. And we recount them because we are seeking for purpose.

I have two stories that I tell about myself. But greatest story I want to tell about myself is the story about You, this unchanging love that I am still comprehending. This overwhelming sense that I cannot bear to fear for the future if the story will end the way it started. With You. When You formed me in my mother’s womb, when I will see You after I have finished telling the stories that I tell about myself. I want Your story to be the best story I could ever tell, the way that the ache in my heart dissolves because I have One in whom I can place my trust. I want to tell the story of how You loved us so much that You let Your Own Son redeem us, how He died a shameful death and even in that promised to never leave us alone. 

I want Your story to be my story.

Friday, February 21, 2014

If I should live my life again

If I should live my life again
Be born in the hospital of fallen soldiers
In the skin with a caramel hue
If I should run away from the crazy man of Jokam
And have only one photo of a past I cannot remember
Still I would choose you.

If I should go back to that stretch of wilted grass
Sit on a rock under the sun in a green winter coat
Braid the Barbie doll and cook up mud ugali
If I should cry because they wouldn’t play with me
And not know yet how much you love me
Still I would choose you.

If I should find myself in class five
Have mum go to theater for the mistakes of a past doctor
Want nothing more than to be number one to make her heal
If Mark should tell me “this is your last warning”
And the girls call me black mamba
Still I would choose you.

If I should attend the high school that walks in the light
Feel that I could finally find the light to start this life anew
Find friends to give me attention – yes, not yet knowing how much you love me
If I should spend the nights hidden from the weight of the world
And have “wrong motives” that make me seek your hand rather than your face
Still I would choose you.

If I should cross the oceans to search for knowledge
Worry that I would fail, that it wouldn’t be worth it
That I should have stayed and studied something sensible like law
If they should call home “a poverty-stricken war-ridden country”
And our black skin the dearth of all mankind
Still I would choose you.

If I should be here, in this moment, now
If I should live this life again
Through the memories that I do remember
And the thoughts I consider when I thank you that I am twenty-three
If I should think about the photo Mum sent me:
The egg among the whistling thorns -
The “competition between the writer Jero and her clever mother”
Still I would choose you.

The clever Mother has already won -
She taught me to choose you.

You.
The strength that keeps me from falling.
Yes, still, I would choose you.






The prompt of this prose, from my mother, was:
 "Have a look at this egg amongst the whistling thorns. Relate to our spiritual journey,our protection from all harm by God. Think outside the box and let us see what story you can make out of this. It is competition between the writer Jero and her clever mother."

Monday, December 30, 2013

On Turning 23


God blesses those who mourn for they will be comforted (Matthew 5:4, NLT)


It’s 1 a.m. when Papa phones me and everyone on the floor is asleep. His voice sounds just like it did when I was 12, and Mama fell out of the sky. He tells me you are gone. Gone? I ask how. He tells me you were sick. I ask him why he never told me you were sick. He forgot. He forgot to tell me that your stomach kept hurting when they came to visit you in hospital. He forgot to tell me that you had fainted on Christmas day, when you saw Jesus, when you tasted heaven before you came back and it was only three weeks and then you were gone home for good. I don’t feel when the tears start to burn the hollows and I forget to breath. I am remembering the unwritten email. I am thinking about the girl next door. Was it yesterday that she found out her dad had leukemia and she stayed awake crying? I had sat next to her. Quiet. I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t know what to say, but here I am too, crying. I claw the carpet. I scratch my leg, my nails drawing along the scars I had etched on myself when I was younger and I had the tantrum. I ask God why. I call the boy. I want him to tell me why. I call the teacher and he tells me that I shouldn’t ask God questions because I might not like the answers He gives me.

So I write. I write to you. A poem. A letter. A song. A tribute. A stream of consciousness. Metaphors no one will understand, memories no one will decipher. An email you will never reply to. I make a video. I write a devotional. I fill a journal. I wear a red scarf and I write about being in the presence of your Great Absence. I write for three years. I write from all the angles I can imagine. I create characters, I set the scenes, I paint the sky grey. I am the doctor who sees you on your last day, I am Mama who washes you, I am the employee who works in the building next door. I am you. I want to take your place. Like the day Mama fell out of the sky, and I asked God to take her broken vertebrae and fuse it with my bones. Is this what they call love? Is this obsession? Pretense? I am in your memories, and yet I am not there? Mama visits me and tells me I am like you, but is this true? Did they see me when I was walking with you, after I hurt myself, after you tell me about God and I had not opened my Bible in weeks, after I mourn about the boy I love who doesn’t love me? Did they see me? Did they see me when I thought to myself that I would always believe in your God, that I would try to live like you if only to see you when I am gone too?

They say my hair is wild so Mama offers to braid it, but the braids unfurl in my dreams, untamed. My hair looks like it did when we were four or five, and I wore that checkered skirt and rainbow shirt. Did you know I wore the same clothes when we had taken a photo that Sunday before in front of Barclays bank? Did you know that a bicycle ripped my ankle and I had to get a dressing every week? Tradition says that I should forget those who are gone, so I remember them when no one is looking. I think about them when I am in the matatu in Eldoret and we are driving from Oasis down Nandi road and I begin counting all the hospitals I have visited. I think about my grandfather when he killed the rabbit and roasted it. I think about my grandmother and the voice that I never heard. I think about my cousins. The car accidents. The strokes. The gunshot wounds. I think about my teacher from primary school and the day I visited him in hospital before the cancer ate up his liver. He had been my favorite teacher. I think about people I do not know. Mostly, I think about you. How I stayed close to you in that photo. How we were two or three when we cheered for those kids who had graduated from Bunny’s Kindergarten. Did you know that after I joined Bunny’s (and you went to Lion’s) we visited a Hindu temple and I bowed before god Shiva? Did you know that after I joined Makini I asked the students if they knew you? I did not remember your first name, so I said,“Tai. Her name is Tai.”

I have a photo of your photo and it sits on my desk. I look at it when I wear red lipstick, and I remember it as I am cutting my birthday cake today. It doesn’t fit into the six by four frame I have bought, so I wedge it next to the bookmark I have not yet addressed to myself. The one that declares, “Be still and know that I am God.” I bought the frame because of the Bible verse lining the edges, infamous make-you-feel-good Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” This is the verse to tell you not to be scared because someone somewhere has your hope and your future. I have already been told that it has been taken out of context, used to pamper dreams that do not match the original intentions. I never quote the verse. I have replacements. Replacements when I think about the context plans and out-of-context plans. The unfinished book. The story that’s taking me one year to write. The “feminist” essay. The memories that only come to me at 1 a.m. The things I can only write after I have cried. This pina colada cake on turning 23. I will give away the photo frame when I graduate. I no longer want reminders of what was, what got broken, what got lost, what got wasted.[1] Yet I know I will carry the photo of your photo with me, because I think finally this is what they call love: That day when we are two or three, and the ground is a dusty white, and we are thinking about a hope and a future. That day when I don’t create characters or set scenes or paint the sky grey. I am in God’s Great Story. At last, every chapter is better than the one before.[2]


If DEATH my friend and me divide,
thou dost not, Lord my sorrow chide,
or frown my tears to see;
restrained from passionate excess
thou bidst me mourn in calm distress
for them that rest in thee.

I feel a strong immortal hope,
which bears my mournful spirit up
beneath its mountain load;
redeemed from death, and grief, and pain,
I soon shall find my friend again
within the arms of God.

Pass a few fleeting moments more
and death the blessing shall restore
which death has snatched away;
for me thou wilt the summons send,
and give me back my parted friend
in that eternal day.

-Charles Wesley, 1762



The photo of your photo


[1] Joan Didion, Blue Nights
[2] C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Last Battle

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

We're going to have to cancel plans

You were looking forward to his visit
From the time he eavesdropped on your conversation in the bus to the airport and he told you he wanted nothing more than to visit Kenya
And your heart clutched because you had wanted nothing more than to show him what he wanted nothing more of, you,
The tumbling hills and crevasses where the giants once lived
The green choke of hyacinth on the wide escapes of Lake Victoria
How you would wake up to the morning of a snow peaked mountain
And in the dizzying mist you would toast to your future
Maybe a drive through dry land whet with oil or rivers or a prowling lion
Maybe the dung smell of manure and raw milk from your father’s grazing Fresian cattle
The salty earth, the taste of Bogoria and Nakuru and the Indian Ocean
The pink flamingoes of your childhood
How he would stand by you when the president rolled into Safaricom stadium (because Safaricom owns Kenya) in his green land rover and his swordsman
How in the pelting rain you would enjoy the ecstasy of being one in Kenya and his first taste to the joy of belonging
Then he emails you “I’m sorry we’re going to have to cancel plans. Because of the recent incident in Nairobi, I’m no longer allowed to meet outside my hotel. The US government doesn’t advise me to be here longer than necessary.”
Longer than necessary. We’re going to have to cancel plans. He’s leaving you before he visits you
Before you show him what he had once wanted nothing more of, you.
Before he clings to you and the two of you meet your end in the inevitable explosion of light
The road carnage
The green muddy matatu ambling to Eastleigh to tailor your wedding dress...

We’re going to have to cancel plans.


Wednesday, November 6, 2013

How to let go (of a heartbreak)



Don’t let it go the way you like doing, by saying, “Yes, it’s in my past, yes it’s gone, or yes, I wouldn’t like to relive it again.” Let it go through Him, through Christ, knowing that He gave up all that He had so that He could have you and so that you could apprehend Him. Let it go the way you let go of your sin when you walked into His love and eternal life, the day you believed that Jesus is the Son of God.

Let go.

All that was said and wasn’t said, all that you invested and didn’t invest, all the love he gave you and the love you poured back, the heart he tore apart, the way you fell for him over and over again, the way you lost yourself in his love and his embrace and his kisses. Let it all go. Let it all go the way Jesus did on the cross, when he cried, “It is finished”, because it was, and it is. For you. Now,

Let go.

Let it all go into God’s arms, because He died for a reason, and you need to start living like He sacrificed His life for something more. Let it all go into His arms because He said you should give Him that pain, because His yoke is easy and His burden is light, because by the stripes of Jesus you are healed. You can’t carry this load with you anymore, your knees and your back can’t take it anymore. Neither can your heart.

Let go.

Let go and focus on finding you, the real you that you can only see when you begin to look at yourself the way your Father looks at you, not the way that he ever did or the way that he ever will. See yourself in your true beauty, not the beauty of your Afro or your jewelry or your chic style, not the beauty that you saw when he hugged you and said you are beautiful. See the beauty of your inner self, the unfading beauty of your gentle and quiet spirit, the one that is of great worth in the sight of your Father. See yourself in this beauty and let it arise within you, let it come to life and invigorate you with the Father’s presence. You are beautiful as you are, as He made you, fearfully, wonderfully, in His image, not by the words of his mouth or the touch of his lips. There’s nothing that he added or took away. There’s nothing he could ever add or take away.

Let go.

Let it all go and fall in love with yourself. Fall in love with the woman you were called to be, the woman you were created to be. Fall in love with yourself as you grow in love, joy, peace, patience kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control, when from the overflow of your heart your mouth sings a melody to the Father, when your heart beats in harmony with His and you are so hidden in Him that you wonder how wholeness could taste this sweet. When it doesn’t matter that he had let you go, that he had moved on too soon, that he never thanked you for the flowers that had bloomed because of your presence, never acknowledged the fears that had been overcome because you had said you would hold him through the night.

Let go.

Let go and count it all loss. You were not created for him. You were created for Him, that you may become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly, and that you may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection, that you may so share in His sufferings as to be continually transformed in spirit into His likeness even to His death.

Everything else is dead weight.

So let go.



-------------------------------

Further reading as you let go:


General life:
A Woman After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George
The Lady, Her Lover, and Her Lord by T.D. Jakes

Thriving not surviving singlehood:
Sassy Single and Satisfied by Michelle McKinney Hammond
The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass by Mandy Hale
Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right by Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones

Dating:
Secrets of an Irresistible Woman: Smart Rules for Capturing His Heart by Michelle McKinney Hammond
Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris

Blogs:
True Love Dates
The Single Woman
Heather Lindsey

Pinterest:
A Woman After God's Own Heart

Monday, June 17, 2013

The Spring of Hair

“The snowbirds are back from Florida,” Marsha says. “The winter was pretty rough on us since the students all left for Thanksgiving.” We're seated in Marsha's salon, in the back rooms of the Hanover Improvement Society on 23 South Main Street. Like most buildings in Hanover, the Hanover Improvement Society is a maroon brick structure with white windowpanes, featuring quaint shops with names like “Pink Alligator” and “Khawachen” and 50% sales for clothing from the winter months. It has stood here for ninety years, with a bronze plaque commemorating twenty-one men who worked “to improve and maintain the quality of life” in Hanover. Marsha’s only been around for the last fourteen of those years. She tells me about her major clientele during that decade – the snowbirds – Upper Valley residents who hibernate in Florida for the winter months, before coming back north when the snow thaws and the sun begins to glaze the sky. They come back now like spring, as the trees lining the cement sidewalks begin to bud, and business creeps back to hair salons in Hanover, to Marsha’s salon, the Ivy League Cuts formerly known as the Ivy League Cuts and Tans. “We’ll start getting a lot of students coming in for haircuts now, and the alumni on the big weekends come in here too. You’d be surprised how much hair people have,” Marsha says. Her mouth pulls into a smile, and for a moment the wrinkles below her cheekbones disappear.

Marsha lives twenty minutes away in Enfield, but she's been driving up to Hanover for close to thirty years now. She began styling hair down at Hilde’s salon on 83 South Main Street, working for the woman with a German name. “Hilde's retired now, lives down in Florida,” Marsha says. I tell Marsha about my Florida, the perpetual spring in Eldoret, Kenya, when my mother styled hair to feed her children. When I would sit on the floor between her legs, head resting on her laps, and she would massage my scalp, before twisting the kinky mass of my hair into cornrows. “I wish I knew how to braid,” Marsha says. She runs her fingers through the blond hair that she’s pulled back into a half-ponytail. “You know we had a big problem a few years ago ‘coz there was no one in Hanover who could do your type of hair.”

My type of hair. Afro-kinky hair. Natural hair. Needs coconut oil, shea butter, hair conditioner, glycerin, tea-tree oil, and moisture. Lots of moisture. Condition three times a week, shampoo and treat once a month.

“We do all types of perms, curly perms, regular perms, long-hair perms, spiral perms, piggy-back perms, and we use different rod sizes – big rods, small rods,” Marsha says. Her own hair goes through a three-step process. Wash, dry, curl, and voila! Thick, blond, luxury. No perm required. I tell her about my first perm, when the chemical broke the protein bonds and turned the tightly curled bulk into a straight mane that yearned for the small of my back, like Marsha’s blond hair, only black. My mother made me take out my perm before I came here, saying, “Hair salons are expensive in America. Where will you get the money to keep your hair straight?” Marsha nods. “They’ve hired a lady down at Hilde’s salon now who works on your type of hair. She comes up from Boston every two weeks or so. You should go down there, check out the place.”

Four years ago, Marsha discovered a tumor in her head. “It was the size of a tennis ball,” she says, “I was having these headaches all the time and I thought it was menopause ‘coz of my age. I even went to see a counselor, a lady upstairs,” she says, pointing to the ceiling. “They told me I must have had it since I was a child.” The tumor grew through more than fifty years of spring, through two husbands and seven children and fifteen grandchildren, through the styling at Hilde’s salon to the styling at the Ivy League Cuts, through the ages and the aging until four years ago, when it became a tennis ball and landed at the Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center, benign. “I had a full-blown seizure before they found it. I was lucky they put me under a CAT scan as soon as my husband took me hospital,” she says. She traces an imaginary line from her forehead to the back of her head, using her finger to show me the scars. “Then I had three surgeries total.”

I come back to Marsha’s salon the next day, with braided hair. I walk down Main Street, past the mid-day traffic that flows like a seasonal river, past the monument dedicated to the men of Hanover who “served for the cause of humanity” during the First World War, past the wooden benches in memory of Hanover’s departed businessmen, to the Ivy League Cuts, to Marsha. I find her combing through the curls of a white-haired woman, recently come up from Florida. When she’s done with the styling, she helps the woman get up, dress into her coat, and walk slowly, painfully, into the arms of a middle-aged woman who I imagine is her daughter. After they’ve left, Marsha and I sit in the rectangular salon with its whitewashed walls and hardwood floor, where the oval mirrors reflect my face and Marsha’s back. The tubs of Paul Mitchell hairspray and Kenra hair conditioner on the shelves and wooden workstations stand over us like sentinels, as do the black-and-white posters of young male models in buzz cuts and bob cuts. Marsha faces me from a black swivel chair, and I face her from the lime green couch next to the entrance. “I’ve been styling her hair for as long as I remember,” she says of the woman who just left. She’s a wealthy widow, the wife a doctor who consulted with the surgeon who took out the tennis ball. “It’s hard seeing your clients grow older.”

I listen to the woman who has styled the children who became parents, and the parents who became grandparents and moved to Florida. I listen to Marsha as she tells me about the years of cutting and perming and styling, when Hilde’s daughter grew up and Hilde retired to a condo in Florida. “Hilde talked of leaving the salon to me, but Margot’s her daughter and she took over the place. I left to open my own salon. I just wanted to do something for myself,” she says. Then spring came and went, and the tennis ball happened. “I sold this place before the surgery, just in case anything happened,” she tells me. Her recovery lasted seven months. Seven months when she had to learn how to walk and how to talk. How comb through white-haired curls, how to cut and perm and style.

When I leave the salon I walk up Main Street, leaving behind the woman who lives in Enfield because Hanover is too expensive, who feels like passing out every time she gets her fuel bill, who’s worried about parking space and parking prices, who threw out her credit card to prevent impulse buying, who wonders about the minimum wage at $7 an hour, and the grapes that cost $3.99 a pound, who’s seen Meryl Streep and Steve Tyler down Main Street, who’s styled more snowbirds than spring can remember. When I walk up Main Street, I don’t notice the bronze plaque with twenty one names or the wooden benches dedicated to Hanover businessmen or the monument for veterans who saved us from the war of men. I think of my mother in Eldoret and Marsha in Hanover. I think of Afro hair and blond hair and curly perms in spring, the memory of us all bouncing in my head like a tennis ball.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Stingo Za Kutumia Bible Study Kuingisha Manzi Box

You imagine her face in a photo.

Will the light capture the unspoken secrets in her eyes? Will people know that her smile sears your heart? Will anyone hear the caress in her voice mystifying you with a sense of the unknown? Will she ever know that your brow coils in a frown when you can only call her “God-fearing” and “pretty” but not “mine”?

“I’m having trouble understanding what this verse here means,” she interrupts you.

She’s caught you staring, but you look down quickly to save face.

“Yeah…umm…so I think the way people have generally interpreted Jesus’ words...”

Your voice trails off as you show her the underlined words in your Bible, explaining why the adulteress anointed Jesus’ feet, wondering all the time if Jesus could lend you some of his power.

Because right now, your words fail you, and you are skirting on the edges of fearless abandon, looking at the ledge that holds you back, reading the words you inscribed years before, reciting them to your heart, trying to tame what you can’t control anymore.

“Maybe tomorrow when I take her photo after the Bible study session,” you console yourself.

Tomorrow, when she’ll stand in front of your camera, and you no longer have to fight for those stolen moments, because you’ll capture her—in your Nikon lens, and in the hidden curve of your heart.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Memories of Yesterday

I remember the last time I met him, before he went to rest with his ancestors. I had always loved going to see the old man, unlike my siblings who preferred to stay back and enjoy the flashing lights and tasteful decoration in the town during the Christmas period. To this day, I can’t explain why the desire to see him always gripped me. After spending time with him, I would have the sense that my existence didn’t really matter; that my knowledge fell short of some unknown mysteries. He told me stories of a world gone by, of my heritage, and of the painful losses that he had endured over the years. He told me of what I was, and what I could be. And on that last day I saw him, I understood what why my mother cried when he died, why she was the daughter he never had, and he, the father she never had.

On that last warm December morning, I went, as usual, to milk his goats. When I walked into his compound, I saw him sitting outside his mud-thatched hut, smoking a pipe and holding on to his rod. He was wrapped in his goatskin shuka, and spat intermittently as he pulled deeply on his tobacco pipe. Seeing me walk into his compound, he motioned me slowly to approach him, and asked me to sit down at his feet. I was surprised at this order, considering that I always only greeted him before proceeding to milk the goats. My heart began racing. I instinctively knew that he didn’t have good news for me. After all, his health had been deteriorating over the years, and his cataracts were slowly blinding him. Before I slept every night, I would ask God for long life, imploring him to extend the years of the old man. But I knew I couldn’t bargain for too long, and that one day, death would visit me.

“One day I will be gone,” he began, confirming my worst fears. I looked up to him and grunted an inaudible “yes”.

“See that stretch of land,” he said, motioning to the vast expanse beyond his own land. “It belonged to the father before the father of my great-grandfather. But he came and took it all away. I’m sorry that your children’s inheritance will be smaller.” As he said this, his eyes filled with tears, and one drop betrayed the turmoil that seemed to engulf him in his sunset years. My grandfather, whom I had never seen cry, intimated to me how his own father fought to retain his land, but was forced into servitude as a cook when the white master took over.

“We did our best child. But life has proved to be the winner. And his children are still there, and they have big cars, and fly in vessels in the air…”

“But grandfather we have a car too, and I go to school in America!” I exclaimed, reminding him that we had managed to come to the level of his former oppressors.

“I know, but where is your heritage now? You just started learning your mother-tongue, and your cousins have begun forgetting the past. You are the only one who’s interested in listening to an old man and I don’t know why.”

I was muted to shame. I didn’t know how to answer him, but I knew he was saying the truth. How do you explain the loss of a man who can’t be able to give his posterity the same gifts that his ancestors accorded him? How do you explain the loss in the richness of an entire generation?

“I’m sorry” I whispered, as tears began to trickle down my cheeks. He didn’t answer me. He stretched out his right hand, placed it on my forehead, and muttered a few words. I looked up to him, breathing in the warm tobacco-laced breath hanging over my face, and I knew that he had blessed me.

A few months later, he died peacefully in his sleep. I cried myself to sleep that night, wondering how I would continue my exploration of my past, and fearing that the “pull” within me would also die. I covered my eyes when they lowered him into his grave, and when we had to throw lumps of soil over his coffin. I continued covering my eyes in the next few months, so that I could clearly call to mind his image, and mull over the moments that I had with him, fleeting as they were.

The next Christmas, I went back to visit him, although I knew that this time, no one would be there. But I wanted to continue taking care of his goats, milking them faithfully each morning. I remember that first morning, when I walked to his hut with the fearful knowledge that I would see a ghost, and the more gut-wrenching knowledge that he was gone for good. I stopped for a few moments before his hut, and watched in consternation as a fat brown frog hopped in front of his hut. I laughed momentarily recalling that the frog was the symbol of the clan, and that many people had claimed with certainty that my grandfather would return in the form of a frog, and that from that time onwards, I was not allowed to kill any frogs. I looked intently into the frog’s eyes, wondering if I could see the glint in my grandfather’s eyes, or the yellow cataracts that had deteriorated his vision. Nothing. I couldn’t trace any of his spirit. But something more hopeful blossomed within me. I felt the “pull” within me strengthen, and suddenly, plans converged in my head, an idea for the future, and a wild hope for reclaiming that which had been lost.

“I’ll teach my children about you, and about our dignified past,” I promised myself, as I skipped over to the goat pen with the new hope in my chest.

“I’ll live out my heritage, with pride, until I sit again at your feet in the land of your ancestors.”


**This is a fictional story inspired by the movie Milking the Rhino. But that doesn’t make it any less true**