Study Break

I just said goodbye to someone I wish I knew better.

Tomorrow I will say goodbye to a floor I do not know…yes, I do not know all of my floor-mates, even their names.

Am I regretful? I’m not sure…

I came to this school with no expectations. Actually, scratch that. I did think America was Sodom and Gomorrah; I thought I would have a hard time finding people who love God. To cut the long story short, I did find people who love God, and a church, and a bible study….

I’m not sure how to summarize my first year experience. True, I have learned a lot, and I am a very different person as a result of this year. Sadly, I no longer have expectations of changing the world. I have come to learn that it’s really difficult to change people’s views. People are selfish, people only think of themselves…I’m really upset about that, but I don’t know what to do. “Change the world”—the biggest cliché of them all. I’m sorry; the most I can do is change my immediate community.

I don’t know what you think of me now after reading that, but I hope you are not judging me. Here’s why: We have all fallen short of the glory of God. Dartmouth has taught me not to judge people. This doesn’t mean that I’ll be trading my value system; it simply means that I will be reserving judgment. I’ll try to be the last one claiming that a person’s reservation is a sign of cowardice. Like Jesus said, I want to look at the log in my own eyes before I point out the ones in others. And Lord knows, I have a lot of logs in my own eyes.

And God has also taught me about death. I’m not afraid to die. Today, tomorrow, any day. Death will mean being reunited, reunited with Tai who died too soon. But as I continue to believe, God ultimately has a plan. I’m not sure what He’s up to, but I know that I want to be a part of it. I don’t want to become famous; I don’t want to change the world. I want God to do the work, and I want to be a part of it. Wherever He wants me to be, that’s where I want to go. I don’t want to live for myself, because this life is too painful, and it’s not even worth it. What is the use of a legacy if God wasn’t glorified? What’s the use of this life if God didn’t direct it?

So that’s been my first year, a deep intense bumpy walk with the One I will always believe in. Before I forget, I always asked myself why people who pursued further education eventually stopped believing in God. I don’t know the answer. Yes, you guessed it right: I will not imagine it anymore. I know where I stand, and that’s good enough for me. I live unashamedly and unreservedly for Christ.

P/S: A lot more has happened this year, but this is what my heart chooses to remember. This is what I want to remember of my first year at Dartmouth College. Come to think of it, this is exactly what I wrote in my Writing 2-3 portfolio. Aha! Consistency! :)